Picture description: My clear visor, a clean, blue disposable mask underneath and my green pill box too, on my kitchen counter ready to take to work.
Do you remember that time when there was a worldwide pandemic and every country went into a lockdown of sorts and all the vulnerable people had to stay home? I remember it like it was just two weeks ago...
It seems so bizarre that in the space of twenty-four hours I went from not being allowed to go the shop to buy milk, to returning to work in a busy pub/restaurant.
I've now been back at my job for a fortnight and it's safe to say I am *exhausted* 😂 I might have completed the Couch to 5k programme during lockdown but I missed the subscription to 'Couch to Back Working Ten Hour Shifts During a Heat Wave and the Government's Eat Out to Help Out Scheme', and I really could of done with some practice before I returned to work 😂 But being housebound, I suppose there wasn't much I could have done to practice getting back into the swing of work... A couple of times I did carry 3 - 5 clean plates from the draining board to the cupboard (literally less than a metre)... just to check I could still carry multiple plates without dropping them... but that I guess that doesn't really count as practice 😂.
So, there's nothing like throwing yourself right in the deep end to feel a bit of normality again. And although I'm tired, I've got to say, my mood has really improved since being back at work. Has anyone else experienced this? I just feel happier, relieved to be out and actually *talking* to people (conversations during lockdown were mostly limited to giving myself pep talks or asking my pets rhetorical questions 🤦). It feels so good to be back in the job I love.
Although stressful and HOT, I feel like the business being so busy is a blessing, because it also means I don't have the time or presence to focus on my eye sight as much, or for my anxiety to dominate every thought. Instead of being controlled by an overwhelming sense of anxiety or frequently thoughts of; "is that line wavier than usual?!" or "was that blind spot that dark yesterday?!” my mind is now lending more space to; "did I send that table's check to the kitchen?!", "do they need more drinks?!", "did I get P5 that ketchup they asked for?!"
Speaking of...
Video description: A man getting in to bed with the caption reading: "do you ever get ready to go to sleep"... He then sits up, puts his hands on his head as the caption reads: "Then you suddenly remember...". The dialogue then comes in. Credit: @Morgyt123 on TikTok; link: shorturl.at/ntOT6
This TikTok is literally me summed up... just last week I lay in bed after a hot eleven hour shift and suddenly thought; I really don't think I ever did get P5 the extra ketchup they asked for (I try to be good at my job, I swear). Anyway, moving on...
As well as getting used to the hours again, work has taken some adapting to because of the changes we've made to make sure we are Covid-secure. This includes rigorous cleaning schedules, encouraging bookings only, no bar service, reduced touch contact, and, as pictured above, some very attractive PPE. It's a lot really, and I'm proud to work for a company that is taking it seriously and has put in the effort to make the business safe for staff and customers. The most challenging aspect is definitely the social distancing as given the nature of my work, there are times when it isn't physically possible; moments between staff, and moments with customers too; for example when placing or clearing plates. But, all we can do is try our best, and customers have been pretty good in passing us things to help us maintain distance.
Now, with the PPE, just because there's always got to be one, I do have to wear a bit more than my colleagues. So whilst everyone else just wears a visor, I have to wear both a mask and a visor.
As I explained to our stand-in manager; "my hospital said that to come back to work I need a bit of extra protection because I'm high-risk... I'm not just being extra". I'm really not.
Although I know that is safer for me to wear a mask (and safer for those around me too, actually), I dreaded my first day and wearing a mask because - and it sounds ridiculous - I was worried about others laughing at me. I was worried they would think I was being dramatic (believe it or not, some people out there still think Covid isn't real and masks are pointless 🤦), that I might get criticised because some feel that masks don't protect the individual (I don't know the science behind it, but my hospital told me to wear one as it *does* help protect the wearer, so that's what I'm going to do 🤷) or that people might just take the piss out of me (and that's on social anxiety). On the opposite end of the spectrum, I was also concerned that customers might think I'm wearing one because I had symptoms and they should be worried. So mostly, my worries were based on vanity and fear of judgement 😂 Basically, I just think about things far too much...
As it happens, I needn't have worried about any of those things. My colleagues have either asked why I wear a mask and visor, or have asked how I'm finding having one on for long hours. Customers have been equally as nice. A few have politely asked why I'm more covered up than my colleagues, but I just explain that I'm high risk (but not asthmatic, as is the most common assumption), and they've been so lovely. Some ask more about my condition (which I am more than happy to share because talking about PIC = awareness) and others supportively say, 'well good on you for coming back!". One poor table made the mistake of asking if my steroid treatment was oral (yes), but then recoiled in shock (and horror too, let's be honest), when I said on top of tablets I did have a steroid implant in my eye 😂 I need some sort of filter... I hope I haven't scared those customers away for good 😬
I don't mind wearing a mask and visor at all; if they keep me and others safe then it's the only way in my opinion. The only time it's an 'issue' (I SAY THIS LIGHTLY BECAUSE OUR WONDERFUL NHS HAS BEEN DEALING WITH SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE) is during an incredibly busy 10 hour shift in 30 degree heat 🥵. The restaurant has lots of steps and levels too, especially with the outdoor area open too. When you add in Olympic style sport (I'm not exaggerating - ask the other staff) to a full dining area, heat wave, mask and visor, it is WARM. But I don't want to complain too much as I know this is literally NOTHING compared to what our hero NHS workers have been donning during the pandemic. How on earth they cope in literally quadruple times the amount of PPE (maybe even more), I will never know. They are champions for simply wearing all that intensive gear for the past five months during abnormally hot weather, and that's before we even take into account what they have taken on, the things they have seen and dealt with and the incredible fact that they have selflessly put themselves and their family at risk for the rest of us.
And as I don't want to moan too much, I have found a positive; the buckets I'm sweating and the many steps I now do as I run around the restaurant like a mad woman, may (hopefully) mean that I finally shift that last bit of Prednisolone weight. I'm still on the Pred, but surely all the above counteracts the side effects of steroids?! It better bloody had do anyway; if I've not lost any weight by the end of August you can all expect an angry ranting blog for sure... and of course, it won't be anything to do with my good friend chocolate, it'll be the Pred. So brace yourself for that update... you have been warned. (Also after saying "I have found a positive", it appears I moaned for an entire paragraph... I am sorry).
All these changes we've made at work to be Covid-secure, are strange and different, but in the world we now live in, they are the... wait for it... yep... "new normal".
On a side note; my ophthalmologist told me how he hated that phrase and hated having to tell patients that their reduced vision levels would be their new normal. As a patient, I have had this phrase handed to me on a few occasions since January; not only am I now beginning to understand why my ophthalmologist hates it so much, but I am also joining him in that club, because how 🙃 can 🙃 something 🙃 be 🙃 normal 🙃 if 🙃 it 🙃 is 🙃 a 🙃 new 🙃 and 🙃 different 🙃 and 🙃 completely 🙃 abnormal 🙃 way 🙃 of 🙃 doing 🙃 things 🙃.
Butttttt, it is definitely one of the terms up and running for 'phrase of the year' or something similar as we bat off and round up what an awful and challenging year 2020 was come the end of December.
So aside from working, my two weeks out of shielding have been a little more outgoing than my quarantine experience. I've braved letting the mobile hair dresser cut my hair (my lockdown mop was just offensive), ventured to the corner shop three times, and I've 'bubbled up' with my older sister, so I've been spending a fair bit of time with her and my niece and nephew. I've seen a few people from a distance, but I still feel a bit too nervous and on edge to be enjoying full days out. Although I did brave the beach, and that actually turned out to be fine! We walked a fair bit to be away from others but everyone on the beach was really good at socially distancing, so I felt safe. I did also go out for dinner (that's lunch btw, for those who aren't Northern... fight me 🤷), but I went with friends I work with and I asked that we ate at work, as I knew our measures are good enough to keep us safe. So really it was just like taking my break to eat my staff food... but on a much longer break... and it may or may not have been three courses 😂
I'm hoping now that I've done these few things and gone back to work - which for me, felt like the biggest stepping stone post-shielding due to the riskiness of the job - that I'll be able to start feeling able to do a few more 'normal' things. But, having said that, I'm going to risk assess everything as the last thing I want to do is endanger others if I picked up anything; be this my friends, family, ophthalmology team, customers, key workers, neighbours, strangers, other vulnerable people. Anyone! No one deserves to catch this illness, and I can't think of anything worse than potentially passing it on to someone. Even if they recover, it can't be nice feeling so ill and it must be scary.
Equally, I still need to protect myself. I'm still high risk and there's the added issue that if I caught Corona, I'm pretty sure I would have to come off my immunosuppressants temporarily. Although they should be built up enough in my system to hold my eyes steady, I wouldn't want to risk it.
So although I want to start being a bit braver yet, I'm still going to be very careful, and of course, I'll keep carrying my trusty mask with me to wear when I need to.
If you've been shielding, let me know how you've gotten on since we were 'released'! I hope you've found some courage to start seeing the important people in your life’s again, because socialisation is a huge part of mental health, and I know that lockdown has taken a toll on so many people. If you haven't managed to venture out just yet, don't worry, these things take time and it will come. Baby steps lead to big steps; you'll get there! Do what feels comfortable and only when you're ready. Don't let others who aren't high risk pressure you to do things sooner than you want to. The world has been open to them a lot longer, they are most likely 'used to it now', and so it's a big deal for you to head out again for the first time. You know your own risk and vulnerability, so take your time, and make sure you do your bit to help protect yourself and others. Keep me up to date with your post-lockdown journeys... we're all in this together and us vulnerable have got to champion each other!
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